Shame-Poisoning Ourself and Not Knowing It
Shame. I looked up what shame is in the Websters Dictionary and below is what I found.
1: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety
2: a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute: ignominy
3: something that brings censure or reproach: something to be regretted: pity
There is also shame as a verb. I’m going to focus on the above noun. If you’re reading this then you have an internet connection. If you also want to look at the verb definition, take a second to google search like I did read it then come back.
So, focusing on the above definition what does shame look like in a person’s life? Many times shame is an emotion we experience when we perceive we have done wrong or when we do something wrong. Of note here the first definition is a consciousness of something. Not an action itself. After that event we then experience more shame as we relive the event. The humiliation felt again and again. The recurring event becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. And the shame sits in our mind and heart eating away at us like a tumor.
Shame makes us feel unworthy and humiliated. Shame traps and destroys. Shame will destroy you from the inside out. It tells you this is what you deserve and there is nothing you can do about it.
Shame is a lie. We are people who make mistakes. Some of them are large and with giant consequences. Some actions have the potential to destroy your life or the lives of others. But shame won’t make the consequences go away. Shame will never let you grow. Shame will keep you there making excuses and acting the same as you did.
You are worth more than what shame tells you. You are worth more than what you did.
My personal story is one of shame and so I start here on this blog with what shame is. My shame was small when I was younger and so it was easy to hide and control. Then I shared my shame. I shared looking for relief from the pain and guilt I felt. I shared in a way to protect myself with cowardice. People wanted to fix me. They wanted to correct me. They wanted to keep me from being shameful. But all that did was bring more shame. Convince me even more that I wasn’t worthy. For years more than I can remember I carried shame. But I’ve made a choice to let it go.
That shame has destroyed my marriage. That shame destroyed me. That shame pushed me away from people who loved me and people that I loved. But no more. I choose not to live in or with shame. To be clear I am NOT saying I didn’t do anything wrong. I did. And the consequences are something I will live with forever. But it doesn’t define me or make me any less worthy of love. And I will not let it make me less able to give love or feel love. But getting rid of shame is not an act of stopping something. It is the act of doing something.
The first definition of shame we saw was-
1: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety
The opposite would be to feel an emotion caused by a consciousness(realization) of forgiveness, worthiness, or propriety. Now propriety isn’t going to do it. You aren’t going to become an upstanding moral person. I tried this. This is how people wanted to fix me and my shame. All this did was make me walk a tight rope. Scared to fall because all my guilt and shame waited below.
But let’s look at the other two. Either being or realizing you are forgiven or worthy. Jesus has the forgiveness you need. When I say that let me be clear. Jesus has the forgiveness. Not the church down your road, where you grew up, or the Christians that keep telling you how sinful you are. Jesus does. Jesus says you are worth so much that he died for you. Before you were born. He looked at everything you were going to do. Every shameful act you were going to commit. And even with that he said you are worth dying for.
Jesus says this,
Mathew 11:28-29 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
He didn’t say clean up first. He didn’t say come to me and I will clean you up. He said come to me and I will give you rest. I looked in many translations and they all said rest. Changing isn’t rest. Condemnation isn’t rest. But when you are weary and burdened with shame we can and should go to Jesus. The one who gave us forgiveness. The one who thought we were worth so much that he died for us.
I am done with shame. I will return to Jesus and find rest. I am forgiven. I have worth.
